I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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