I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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