i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
