got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
