After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
