He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
