youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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