I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
