The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
