my soul wont recognize me after tonight
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
