it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
