dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
