I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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