My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Found your dick twin last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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