Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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