I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
