Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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