They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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