i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
