Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
