I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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