VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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