george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
