Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
