I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Randomize
