I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
