I want you more than these girls want KFC
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
