He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
