I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
