How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
