Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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