I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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