I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
