you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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