btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my god I love twenty year old dicks
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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