time to smoke my breakfast
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
