is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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