You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
