rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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