So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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