If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
