he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
