You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
