I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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