just tell him i said nine months
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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