After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
