Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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