Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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