guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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