Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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