I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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