I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she smelled like a LAN party
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
