I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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