yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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