I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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