You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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