I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize