I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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