so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
