I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
